For about the past two weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty crazy. Not eating whatever I want whenever I want is a pretty tough mental challenge for me, especially when it never ends. Ever. My trainer confirmed that 6-7 weeks out from a competition is a very normal time to feel discouraged because you’ve been doing it for so long but still have such a long ways to go. It’s slightly comforting to know that everybody feels crazy at this point, but mostly it makes me want cookies.
It’s also a struggle dealing with the fact that I have become someone who thinks about what they eat and trying to lose fat constantly. This is behavior that I’ve always considered to be unhealthy and a huge buzzkill for everyone else. I try to vocalize all of my thought process to my friends to make sure they’re sufficiently annoyed with me, and also to make sure that other people know what my mental state is and can tell me if I’m actually being unhealthy/an idiot. I know I’m not actually eating unhealthily – this might be the healthiest diet I’ve ever had in terms of clean eating (usually my diet is mostly cookies), I’m more concerned with just having too many negative thoughts and focusing on how far I have to go all the time instead of recognizing my progress. I tend to be a big goal-setter, but I often set new goals before I reach my original goal, and then blow past the first one without acknowledging my accomplishments.
I feel like I’m making this whole process sound like a miserable psychological mind game, when really that’s only part of it. The rest of it involves me being the strongest I’ve ever been, learning how to pose on stage, getting(?) to wear stripper heels, and meeting some really incredible and inspiring people.
So now that I’ve gotten massive amounts of complaining out of my system, I’m going to focus on all of the fun, positive parts of this experience. Like how Yami has done such a good job of teaching me to pose and also how good I look in stripper heels.